I'm so fucking centered right now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
