Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I need moral support for this bender
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
