There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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