my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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