That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
