I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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