Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
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she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
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Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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