anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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