I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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