I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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