absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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