The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize