I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
