i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
