I can tuck mytits in my pants
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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