dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
