Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it