Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
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My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
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Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂