seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
