when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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