Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
