you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
