Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
