The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
