i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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