gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
