Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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