Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
