and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
