Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
