I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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