I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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