I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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