I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
