If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
