The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
how drunk are you?
Several
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
