We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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