i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So squirting runs in the family.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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