I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
