Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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