i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
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The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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