I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
