I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
