Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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