Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
