there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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