So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
