Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
