I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
