Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
