You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
