he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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