theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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