quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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