I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
