You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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