I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
