i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
