My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
