He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
