my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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